Spring Has Fucking Sprung

You know when spring officially arrives in the UK on account of the fact that instead of being cold, wet and miserable its just wet and miserable.

Todays post was brought to you by the letters Fuck Off And Die, a wet arse and if this continues, possibly a mild case of haemorrhoids.

*sulks*

Two Things

Firstly, new Body Pump routine last night and I know it was a good one on account of the fact I'm limping like I took it up the arse last night. I was so sure they'd outlawed torture in the UK an all.
(Note: I have never taken it up the arse as I have a perfectly good vagina which self lubricates thus saving a fortune on KY Jelly)

Which brings me hobbling somewhat uncomfortably to my second and infinately more joyous news.

On the 10th May me and Em will be flying out to Australia for a year where I shall be trying to avoid getting poisoned, bitten, eaten or kidnapped, raped and murdered by a psychopath whilst simultaneously learning to scuba dive, surf, barbecue a shrimp and drink more than 3 pints before I fall over.
(Note: It was at this point I ran out of stereotypes)

Possibly shouldn't have watched Wolf Creek. I'm very impressionable.
This tune I robbed off Spike's blog hasn't exactly filled me with confidence either but don't make the mistake I did and listen to it at work unless you want to explain to your supervisor exactly why you're lying on the floor in a pool of your own urine.


I found it amusing anyway. Download it HERE (Right click, Save Target As).

Obligatory Monday Work Shite

If you stare numbly at my work PC like a drooling, slack jawed imbecile for long enough the screensaver kicks in and bombards you with motivational messages accompanied by allegedly relaxing bubbles.
In order to kill time between bouts of not working, I rewrote them.

Does Say
The NWPW guide to innovation: Try. Fail. Learn. Try Again. Succeed. Feel pretty good.
Should Say
The NWPW guide to innovation: Try. Fail. Cheat. Repeat until caught. Lie.

Does Say
I work for NWPW. I'm meant to be bright and helpful. Call my boss if I'm not.
Should Say
I work for NWPW. My spirit has been crushed beyond repair. It is likely I will have turned to drink and/or drugs within the next 2 years and I will most probably be sectioned by the age of 30. I have already started drooling and twitching.

Does Say
Responsible as individuals, strong as a team. Sounds like management consultancy speak, but it is what we do.
Should Say
Responsible as individuals, strong as a team? Bollocks. Fuck off. Cunt.

Does Say
If another water company could have done it, we should have done it last year.
Should Say
If another water company could have done it, we probably fucked it up last year and lost most of our customers to Eden Springs.

Fuck it, I handed my notice in on Friday anyway, I only have to stare at this trite until 28th April. As ShiftClick would say; Fucking A.

Current Hair Terror Status: Verging On Mulletus. Did you know that the possession of a mullet is illegal in most countries apart from Australia (although I believe it is frowned upon in most parts) and some southern US states where it is in fact compulsory.

It's Random Amusing Linkage Time

On account of the fact its Sunday and all thought processes have been put in reserve for use over the coming week I shall be resorting to THIS link as an excuse for a post.

Have you ever wondered Why Cats Paint? Do you enjoy Dancing With Cats? Have you ever looked at the bird shit on your car and wondered how much it would fetch at the Tate Modern?

Well this website is for you!

I particulary like this photo from the Dancing With Cats section:



Not really dancing so much as Holding A Cat Up.

Why oh why aren't there videos?

No Way Out

The trouble with customer service apart from all the customers is the fact that once you've done it there's no escape, you're doomed to a life of telephones for all of eternity.

Once its on your CV, no matter how much you stress you don't want another job that involves conversing with the general public on a daily basis, they don't hear this. Somewhere between your mouth and their ears the words disintegrate and rearrange themselves.

Me: I don't want another customer service job, I don't enjoy it and I'm fed up of being shouted at, I'd like something in admin or data entry please. No customer service, I don't want to work in customer service.

Them: Well we have this job, its a customer service role which I see you have experience in...

If this continues then I'm taking it off my CV and telling them I've spent the past year and a half in prison.
For stabbing a customer.

Feel My Pain

I'm suffering and because I'm a cunt that means you get to suffer too.

Listen to this and lets see how long it takes to invade your brain and start gnawing at the wiring that holds your sanity together.

Current Hair Terror Status: 80's Boy Band

Under Attack

I've been a crap blogger recently, haven't been surfing or commenting or posting anything worthwhile but I have excuses. Oh yes, I have issues.
Firstly, my DVD-RW drive is a cunt.

Secondly and possibly the most disturbing reason, my hair is taking over the world.
After having the stereotypical regulation short and spiky cut for 10 years I thought I'd grow it a bit and see what happened and quite frankly its frightening.

Years of bleach on bleach mean its in shocking condition, I don't think the ends can legally be identified as actual hair anymore and if you couple that with the Nasty In Between Stage of hair growth you get something resembling a Tumble Dried Hamster intent on world domination.
Attempts to tame it with overpriced product have proved futile, only the cunning use of hats can slow the rebellion.

Whilst Duck Hunt won't make my DVD-RW drive behave itself or indeed do anything to stop the onslaught of a folicle uprising, taking my frustration out on cartoon ducks with a shotgun will go some way to easing my stress.
If that fails then I may have to consider the Running Round Naked Technique or even the Beating Ones Manager To Death Strategy although these may result in a disciplinary and/or arrest.

Click on the screenshot, save the .zip and enjoy some retro Nintendo action.

And I've been tagged by Brianne but as its Monday and I'm not legally obliged to think it will have to wait.

Planning Ahead

Tonight at Pump I was told about The Mad Hat Lady, so called on account of the fact she always worked out down the gym wearing a coat and a bowler hat.
So, that’s not The Mad Coat Lady, that’s not weird enough. She was defined by the hat she wore because that’s so much stranger than wearing a coat whilst working out in the middle of summer!?

I don’t want to be known as a mad anything lady for at least another 45 years and then I want to be The Mad Snake Lady or The Mad Cat Lady. I haven’t decided yet but some kind of mental issue would be appropriate, backed up with frequent cackling, staring and some occasional pointing with my long, bony finger.

Children will run screaming past my house, locals will cross themselves and murmur when they see me down Tescos and I should imagine there’ll be the odd pitchfork wielding angry mob.
I also intend to smell of wee and stand really close to people on crowded buses because I think I will find that amusing.

How’s that for a long term plan? Now all I need to do is work out what to do between now and then.

A Pictoral Representation Of The Current State Of My Will To Live

Do you ever have one of those days where its about 30 degrees too hot in the office and you can't open the windows because they screwed them shut and you've spent the entire day repeating a courtesy call script to uninterested customers to the point it no longer makes sense in your own head and the general consensus is that insanity would currently be a favourable option and you feel like you're living in a perpetual state of four minutes past four?

*breathes*

Only cake can save me now.

Geek Interlude

I knew if I stopped stuffing the orphans' food packages with razor blades and removed the stingers I laid out for the Special Bus the gods would eventually smile on me and get me an invite to beta test Windows Live Messenger.

It doesn't actually do that much more than the current version but the ability to send IMs to offline mates has me clapping like a spastic and I must admit, when I downloaded it last night I actually drooled.
Nope, there's no level of Nerd I won't stoop to.

My life (or lack thereof) is complete.

Sanity Health Warning

This is a simple game with a soundtrack that will become lodged in the deep recesses of your mind, you will find yourself humming it whilst queuing at Tescos with no idea as to how it got there. Eventually you will be driven mad and they will find you curled up in the frozen peas, an incoherant, drooling wreck, humming this tune between bouts of manical laughter.

I recommend you play this game with the speakers off.
*twitches slightly and takes another shot of vodka*

Click on the screenshot, save the .zip, extract, and you will find the .exe within. High score to beat is 776671. Any questions?

On an unrelated note, where the fuck is the fabled Banjo String? I was in the pub the as one of the blokes sat at the bar told us how he went home with a lad he met and snapped his banjo string, from the description I'm pretty sure he didn't take an actual banjo to bed and break it.

Now this is the second banjo string story I've heard and while I don't have a penis and thus cannot fully sympathise, I'm usually too busy crossing my legs and wincing to find out exactly where it is, although I should imagine snapping it it would be somewhat traumatic for a species that's not used to bleeding from its genitals.

Unlike some of us.

For Lack Of A Better Post

As much as I usually dislike memes I don't half like talking about me so here's a meme I shamelessly robbed from Hal.

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they are any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs.
Now with added *gasps* illegal downloads (Right click and Save Target As).

DJ Tiesto - Adagio For Strings (10MB)
Everytime I hear this tune I get a little bit moist, they play it at the gym sometimes and I have to be careful I don't slip when I get off the equipment. It reeks of disco biscuits, I fucking love it.

E-Type - Set The World On Fire (3MB)
I heard this one for the first time at Body Pump and while it does remind me of smacking myself in the jaw with the aptly named dumbell during a clean and press I am definately currently enjoying this tune.

Enya - Orinoco Flow (3MB)
I like Enya, I don't have to explain myself to you, she's a talented artist and I'm comfortable in my enjoyment of this track ok? OK?

Sunblock - Ill Be Ready (8MB)
Another tune that has me sliding off my chair and not just because of the video. I'll be ready indeed.

Lemon Demon - The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny (5MB)
You have to listen to the lyrics to fully appreciate this track, check out the video HERE. Check out Lemon Demon's website HERE.

Emma Bunton - Free Me (4MB)
If I did indeed have any shred of credibility left I'm pretty sure it evaporated after this. Can I use my Gay Card to justify this one?

Track 6 (4MB)
I don't know what it is or who it's by but I'm fucking addicted to it. Download. Listen. Enlighten me with your superior musical knowledge.
Update: Its Les Rythmes Digitales Ft. Nik Kershaw - Sometimes. Thanks, Morgalou.

I refuse to impose this meme on anyone but hey, feel free to partake, I know you like talking about you as much as I like talking about me.

No Smoking

Apparently today is National Non Smoking day which is fine by me on account of the fact I don't smoke but I'm not just a non-smoker, I'm a Smug Ex Smoker (thank you Alan Carr) which means I get to say things like "No thank you, I like my lungs the colour they are," and "You carry on if you like, damaging the health and well being of yourself and those around you."

I get a great view from up here on my high horse although in hindsight it might not have been the best idea to wind up an office full of smokers that haven't sparked up all day.

My lynch mob awaits.

Game. That Is All.

As much as I'd love to introduce this game with a poorly thought out, tenuous link I'm currently battling with the aftermath of Bran Flakes Overdose, Ie; shitting through the eye of a needle and thus have neither the time nor the inclination to be entertaining.

I hold Hexxagon entirely responsible for my recent headaches on account of the sheer amount of thought involved, never have I been so massively addicted to something I suck so royally at.

Please do not click on the screenshot and save the .zip file if you have course work or a dissertation to complete, or indeed if you're responsible for small children, pets, exotic plant life or an incontinent relative.
I don't know what makes this game so addictive because it's fucking difficult to win but it has Life Stealing properties and I'd be intrigued to know if anyone can beat it.

Enjoy it before it saps your soul, leaving you a pale, withered, trembling shadow of your former self.

Smacked

I have been constructively advised that my template was causing brain tumours so apologies for any blindness or premature death. Alas, colours and design are not my strong point so instead of black I give you... *drum roll*... white.

Now all I need to do is work on content.

Gratuitous arse shot, anyone?

Today I Have Mostly Been....

Coverting Insanity Prawn Boy* knickers on account of the fact I'm amused by the idea of having a seafood product on my Fish Box

Farting silently, belching loudly.

Wondering if some bastard made Thursdays longer.

Plotting a dark and twisted revenge against several of our customers who seem to forget when they unleash a tirade of abuse upon me that I know exactly where they work.

Contemplating the healing properties of vodka.

Wondering if Lady Muck has been locked up for the yet brutal yet timely homocide of her housemates thus explaining her mysterious disappearance from cyberspace.

And this concludes todays post which is somewhat rushed but that's what you get when I'm expected to actually earn what they laughingly call my wages.

Fucking slave drivers.

* Those of you unfamiliar with the genius that is Weebls Stuff, I strongly advise you to click HERE

Broadening Cultural Horizons

I've always been a firm believer that you should sample as much foreign culture as possible throughout life and apparently today is a national holiday in South Africa on account of the fact it's voting day.

We have quite a few South Africans working here in the office and I think it's only fair we respect their culture.

Let's take the day off and go and get pissed at Zulus.